Jesus Built My Wrestling Ring

Jesus was the first pro wrestler.

Jesus did not die for our sins because he knew he was coming back. He put up with a lot of pain to make everyone get emotional about what he represented. To compare him to anyone today, the most likely options would be Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, or the hardcore stars like Sabu, Mick Foley, or Terry Funk. If you book any of them against a promoter, the story they tell in their program would be no different that the Gospels. The Jews were the heels and Christ was the babyface.

Read the rest of this blog at MainEventOfTheDead.com and be the judge if my satire and criticism can be translated into a B-Movie comedy about Pro-Wrestling Zombies.

Zombie Colonel Sanders versus PETA

Current mood: creative

Sitting at the Long John Silver's/A&W drive thru, waiting for our chicken combos, my best friend pondered, "What's taking them so long?" To this I replied, "Maybe they forgot to kill the chicken before frying it."

What if you fried a live chicken? For whatever reason, the question sparked my curiosity.

With my distaste for lobster, it feels hypocritical to dive into this topic. Honestly, I don't like lobster (and red meat. Screw the surf, and fuck the turf), but I despise how it is prepared. While the lobster is alive, it is put in the boiling pot of water to be cooked. That's how you get a red lobster.

No matter what the Muppets or cartoons want you to believe, lobster are brown. Perhaps burgundy.
What's crueler than being boiled alive? Come on. Those so called crazies in the heart of civilization stopped the boiling in oil practice to their prisoners. Maybe it's the inability to learn from the experience. Now cutting off a hand, then they have something to think about and lots a time to think about it.

Couldn't we develop mini-shotguns to blow these arthropods' brains out? Is it possible to inject enough dope in them to prevent them from feeling the burn?

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

My Chris Benoit Blogs: Respect Eternal...An action is all he was?

Watching the tribute to Chris Benoit on Raw, I immediately felt the impact of Benoit's passing.
Jerry Lawler mentioned about the WWE and perhaps the wrestling community may be overlooking the loss of Nancy and Daniel. That this occurence shows how fleeting life is, and that we have to always remember our loved ones. After this said, thoughts of my late best friend floated into my head.

Stacia Hardin was a woman who was important as my family is. With the loss of Benoit's family, it only makes me realize how important our loved ones truly are.

Stacia was a heroine to me, and today I have lost another hero. A man who earned everything he got from the business through his heart and effort. Chris Benoit represented all the princibles that I idealisticly stay true to in my own wrestling career.

Chris Benoit, like it or not in terms of my own pedigree, is not a family member, but he was a hero, so I am feeling a lot like how I did when my greatest hero past.
...

My little sister loved to take the chance to tell me about WWE's oops in paying tribute to a murderer. With all the circumstances around Chris Benoit's death, Vince McMahon said there would be no mention of his name on TV. The dedication to those affected by this tragedy is proper, but to be told to forget about Benoit is wrong.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Capitalistic Pissings or Who’s Your Toilet?

A popular re-post bulletin (MySpace) seems to be the, "Why must we piss and moan while Shaniqua/Bubba does not."

Well, I think that is a little more clever than THIS IS SO TRUE AND IS BULLSHIT or Fucking Sick. Sorry to pick on any posters out there, but most of these posters expect attempts for me to come up with some creative genius. As I said, this was an attempt.

Was my long-winded nature worth the attempt. Damn, I never thought my literate nature could be so punishing.

So, what I want to discuss is why the MySpace community seems to have taken a right wing approach to welfare abuse.

Hate to be the one to break this to Tom and his millions upon millions of friends, the people who are being discussed in these bulletins probably do not have the means to find out what we are saying. If they do, then they must be going to the public library.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Honkee Hatin Haiku

Current mood: morose

I apologize if the word choice offends you. I was trying to show that obscenity towards others reflects poorly on my race. That we really are all the same, so why curse others. I am sorry that I got to use the words that fit the poem structure.

A moment of genius or I am the insensitive bastard that my Creative Writing instructor thinks I am?

Check out the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and let me know if my humor and movie knowledge can translate into a Pro-Wrestling Zombie comedy.

Bradgelina, Britney, and Your Kids: They need to earn their keep.

Current mood: productive

For all you parents who wake your kids up before they can have the American Dream:

Why don't you move to New York and rent out your infants to needy celebs. Just for premiers and stuff, so it would only be a one night a week gig.

Help some entertainers in custody battles. If they can take care of the "niece," why not Sean Preston?

Check out the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and let me know if my humor and movie knowledge can translate into a Pro-Wrestling Zombie comedy.

Gay Mariage or An example of my long winded nature

Just because I typed it up once for a friends assignment, and because I love to read my own work, here is a rant about gay marriage.

Same sex marriages should be legalized.

If a society is suppose to be tolerant of a subculture, then said society should allow them every way that is possible to express the love of two individuals of said culture. As long as no one is going to face physical or financial harm, what argument does anyone have against it.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Boots are for snow. Not dumb bitches.

Current mood: tired (The Lost Details of Myspace)

"Don't sit there because there because of the vent, the air it blows makes it too cold."

No, this is not a commentary about the lack of adequate heating in state-funded college establishments. This is a commentary about snow boots as fashion.

Yes, I know when you think young coeds, you think fluffy. Maybe not, but fluffy is associated with cute, and college chicks are cute.

Perhaps cute isn't the right word. The barely legal damsels are usually hot. No, I think cute is the right word. With the knowledge most teenagers gain from high school, and the social discouragement of the female quest to become wise, the air-headed comments released from the second hole can either be pitiful, or responded with, "Oh..cute."

Out of curiosity girls, what is the orifice order?

So fluffy equals cute.

Now that that is established, it seems that more than just for these young women wear fluffy winter boots. Except that they wear them when it's forty degrees out.

Check out the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and let me know if my humor and movie knowledge can translate into a Pro-Wrestling Zombie comedy.

Smoke on this Illinois

To call me a cynic would be redundant. With that being my nature, I'm indeed skeptical about the health risk of second hand smoke.

The smog clouds in LA and Mexico City are not caused by people lighting up tobacco products. It is from industrial pollution, motor vehicles, and quite possibly the Mexican community lighting their farts.

Hey, if I was part of the Hispanic race which is associated with excessive flatulence, I know that's what I'd be doing. That's what I'd think about so called patriots and their illegal border patrol.

Of course, the Lady Liberty only wants the hungry, weak, and huddled masses. She says nothing about the gassy.

Discussing farts brings me to the main point of my argument. I have yet to see a cigarette set off a Carbon Monoxide monitor.

On two separate occasions, after eating two pounds of Gardner's mild wings, my brother's unconscious farting set off our house's CO detector. He may have been twelve years-old at the time.

Until I heard the beeps, I was in a deep sleep of rare occurrence. Perhaps the fumes were consuming me. My brother did not wake to the noise, so he may have been near death. If it was not for me rushing to our bedroom door to release the gas, it may have resulted in his demise. I cannot help but wonder what kind of danger we would have faced if he had a tongue for spicier foods.

Now that we established that cigarettes are truly only dangerous to the user, why must we have a smoke-free Illinois?

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Gambling, Vegen, spokes persons. One weird Super Bowl (42)

You hear the weirdest stuff when you work at a truck stop.

"Hope the Pats win. Not because I got a team in the game, my father-in-law has a bet. If the Pats win, he gets a hundred bucks. Lose, and he has to go into the super market dressed as a woman."

The guy walks away from the desk, and I turn and ask my coworker what kind of idiot takes that bet.
"If it's a small town, being dressed as a woman would probably be embarrassing." Pause for a second, a gentleman (I say that because my coworker claimed he was trying to solicit the help) walked to up to the desk with an Arby's sack. I'm sure you've all seen it, unless you are one of those spineless vegans.

Look, it ain't livin' unless something has suffered for your nourishment. I say nourishment, not decadence. No breathing entity should die in the name of gluttony. Pride is mine to claim because nothing suffered for my Caramel Apple Empinadas.

Be sympathetic to the cows? Come on. All female mammals who have given birth inevitably get sore nipples.

Great. Now I can't help myself. I must get on the equality soap box.

Dare I claim (dare, dare), to understand women because I have my nipples pierced? It's the closest any guy can get to the pain of lactating (next to doing a lot of steroids and having testicular cancer, see "Fight Club"). Embrace the nipple and tame the vegan. Now with that said, let us return to the idiocy of the person who took that bet.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Monday, 10/27/2008 ---- What’s with white pride?

Current mood:  restless

"Whose bright idea was it to change the logo of Peoria? It's fitting right now."

Fitting right now? What is it suppose to represent? The cultural genocide many paranoid Americans want to see repeated on the Islamic world?

Is it not enough that White Americans took away their land and kept their names? They must have their image too?

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Just give me the law degree.

Hopefully, my anger at these ridiculous ads by the State of IL will lead me to rant on about more thinks that piss me off. It's kind of my thing.

If you live Illinois (or for those depending on Moline for your local television...one of the mockings of Iowa I'd been holding back on), you have probably seen or heard the "Loser DUI" ads. I'm not overly pissed at the TV ads because, I cannot piss on the art of implication, but this sound bite from the radio ad makes me want to scream for the ACLU to do something about it..

"If you get a DUI, you might as well have a big tattoo of the word loser on your forehead...We can't hire that loser.".

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

ACDC, Stop Making Capitalist Look Bad.

Current mood: animated

I'm sorry AC/DC hasn't been good since the soundtrack to Maximum Overdrive, and that's being very generous. They should be locked out of the studio for allowing that Stephen King to be considered relevant.

Angus, it's great to know you guys can still rock, but your selling your CD through an evil conglomerate (Walmart). These CDs do not offer new music. And Brian ain't Bon. There has got to be an intervention from the government to stop you from making every album sound the same.

Yes, they all sound like AC/DC, but they are identical. Identical...let's see...nontuplets you bore to brainwash immature fans over the past twenty years.

These immature fans encourage that twat in the morning on 105.7 the X material for his morning shows, and a poor excuse for Jim Ardis to shows he's hip. Don't you care about the fans that Matty B is Xploiting for bumpers, and more importantly attention for his untalented ass?

"They shot the cannon when they weren't suppose to, and got banned for it. But they've matured."

If that is not a reason to keep AC/DC out of the Tri Counties, I don't know what is. Matured? They were 40 when they did that stunt. Do you think senility changes overtime? They were senile then, so they're still senile.

Read the rest of the review at MainEventoftheDead.com and let me know if my humor, satire and movie knowledge can translate into a B-Movie comedy about zombies and pro-wrestling.

What the French Revolution taught us, and how it applies to the Hiltons

Let's face it, reality sucks.

We have people turning down second dates for $40. Are these "Nexters" telling me the dater is going to suddenly become cheap because MTV is not footing the bill? I hope the dater signed on knowing they better step up.

It would also be much better reality if we did not find it necessary to house train the most evil representations of femininity by those who cannot stop their dogs from defecating all over their houses and decrepit rock stars.

This reality allows Presidents who can get away with perjury while Lil' Kim gets time. It is a reality where saying, "bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran," is taken way too seriously.

Worst of all is the fact we have banks to rescue while decadent aristocracies can still stand. If we want to bail out our economy and end the bull shits that are the Gotties, Kardashians, and Hiltons, we must vote for Barrack Obama. This is our chance to dabble into a workable socialism. One that seemed to be a great success during the Fren...I mean Freedom revolution.

Let it be known Paris, you won't just earn yourself a new esteemless cling on forever, but now a new BMF to contend with. He is RUSS: OF THE MANY LAST NAMES (Si is my latest Chinese one, thank you Illinois Central College).

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Gayest Blog Ever

Current mood: depressed

Let's see. I don't want to bug my readers by posting my latest, "Wish Cindy's cat would smother me in my sleep" journal, so let me finally present the world with the gayest blog ever.

I am not saying that I will not post that fatality by feline fantasy (I kinda got an Ezra Pound like love for my work), so please say a prayer for something positive to inspire me in the next week.

"I was going to call it Peterland, but the gay bar by the airport already took it," Peter Griffin, President of Petoria.

Seth McFarland showed me how far behind Peoria is with the times. Peoria lacks a great gay bar.
No offense to Diesel...Visions...whatever that place on main with the rainbow flag is called, but all P-Town has is a techno bar, and a convenient place for free condoms.


Read the rest of the review at MainEventoftheDead.com and let me know if my humor, satire and movie knowledge can translate into a B-Movie comedy about zombies and pro-wrestling.

Root root root for the Cubbies you Northsiders

If you don't live in Chicago, it's easier to pick up the differences between those who represent downstate and those who represent the state.

Back in 2007, during spring training, a waitress at Richard's in Peoria spoke of the injury to Mark Prior and an injury obtained by Kerry Wood when he slipped getting out of a hot tub.

"We have nothing but Chinadolls in our rotation."

I replied with, "so you go to Bradley and are from Chicago."

"How'd you know?"

Because, and I hope it's not just me, we want to speak optimistically of our team downstate instead of bad mouthing our representatives be it playoff dud Soriano, the Dempster whom I wanted to shank in 2006, or the nip whose bat shut down after the all star break.

After going to game two of the NLDS, my "well, they're just Chicagoans" changed to "what is your problem?"

My observations:

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Brett Michaels: My War for Our Taste

Current mood: argumentative

So Poison is coming back to Peoria (2008). The same Poison with the same attention whore as their front man. The same Poison that had established themselves as my generation's Monkee's.

We all loved "Cheer Up Sleepy Gene" and "Look What the Cat Dragged In," but we don't need to see Peter, Mike, Dave, and the ugly one visiting Peoria every year.

And Axel Rose has given us so much that is far more uplifting than "Something to Believe In" or "Every Rose...is screwing the opener's frontman." One day, my prayers will be answered for the True Chinese Democracy...won't they David Geffen?

I saw Poison in 2001. This is where I came to the realization of how unfortunate it was for metal when they were established.

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

"Don't let your babies grow up to be Cubs Fans, and always remember to spay or neuter your White Sox Fans," Russ Stevens

Renaming the Friday after Turkey Day or Screw them Smurfs

Current mood:  bitchy

I ask you, am I overly influenced by Kevin Smith's material? The psycho ex girlfriend would say no since I had not got around to reading the diary of his she bought me (in my defense, it is called "My Boring Ass Life"). Stef would say, "surprised you did not ask anyone to have sex with the corpse of Mr. Crispy," since that is the only box left unchecked on the list of what events have happened at both the Morton Travel Center and the Quick Stop.

Regardless of how much influence the Jersey boy has, Kevin Smith's latest film left me pondering something. A side from what happened in the four minutes I missed due to a flawed reel change.

With the election of Obama, should we still call Black Friday...Black Friday? Or is Obama not black enough to encourage such change?

In this politically correct world, some would say it's okay since it is not called Porch Monkey Friday (god I don't want to envision what dumb white people would do to celebrate it...it sounds like a good excuse for some fried ch...), but people do associate themselves with a color.

We know that to be true since whites do not want to be referred to as caucs. So if we are going to associate colors to negative days (discounts do not make the horrors positive), lets find one that a race does not take pride in their skin tone.

Read the rest of this blog other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

My war against those with evil fingers.

Over the past month and a half, I've been trying to attack the ignorant masses that seem to dominate Peoria newspapers' opinion pages. Check out the You Page section at pjstar.com to see what I'm talking about. The following blog is one my efforts to add some sense to my hometown puppy trainer.

UAW and the Auto Bail Out

UAW members in Detroit deserve to make $75 per hour. They also said they would do away with the job bank to keep the automakers afloat. Living in Detroit cost a lot more than it does to live in Peoria, let alone surviving. The city has been nicknamed the Murder City. Protecting yourself will add to the COLA. With this being said, we should demand that wages be increased in East St. Louis. Either that

or fine up standing tax payers pay for their Kevlar accessories.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Politically Insensitive Peorian Tight Asses

Current mood: awake

Because Peoria news probably won't publish it, I'm posting it. And I think this one actually has an adequate amount of wit to it.

Whoever edits the "You Said It," section of the You Page must enjoy making Peorians look bad. If not that, he or she wants PJStar's readers to think that the newspaper is meant to only support their ignorant opinions instead of presenting opinions they may not like to hear.

I appreciate an editor being afraid of a backlash from the apparent majority, but to only publish their opinions makes all the bright citizens of the HOI ashamed of our representation. Please, please, please, make Peoria look smarter.

If someone can prove how an Indian's profile is symbolic to the Land of Lincoln, feel free to print it, but if they do not provide you with proof that Lincoln fought a Chief Illiniwek to the death, do not suggest that Abe wants Peoria to be represented by an offensive graphic no matter how cool the graphic looks.

Read the rest of the review at MainEventoftheDead.com and let me know if my humor, satire and movie knowledge can translate into a B-Movie comedy about zombies and pro-wrestling.

The Rise of the Machines or Rollerball 75

Current mood:  exanimate
Category: Life

I think back to my blog "40 Years is Enough," and realize that our society is in a lot of trouble. Not because of overpopulation and stupidity...well, perhaps stupidity, but economic conditions that will lead to our demise. A Harvey Dent coin which only offers a Joker pencil result.

And this all came to be when I saw that "Hubba Bubba" now owns "Squeeze Pop."

BubbleYum's "Hershey Chocolate Flavored Gum." Circle K taking over Peoria thus destroying the whimsy of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". AC/DC and Walmart making us wonder why we just don't lock certain people out of recording studios.

Hoopastank has a top 30 track? Trapt is coming back? Curse 105.7 the X yet again.

If LA Loyd doesn't have anything good to say, then tell Anna not to air the Rock 30 (especially when Wes of Puddle of Mud thinks he has something worthwhile to say). When Saturday is over, she probably wants to sleep in anyway after getting drunk enough to settle on guys that wear Rivermen jerseys instead of actual Rivermen players.

Peoria Radio, another example of creepy corporations. How often do they choose to change 98.5's format?

Mix to Oldies.
Oldies to Party.
Party to music devoted to those weird people with fish on their car trunks.
Christian to Ghetto.

It's not a good example of capitalism if it is promoting the fundamentally wrong, or it as confused as those who try to leave their niche like most fast food places. How far away are we from Red Lobster/Steak 'n Shakes?

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

"Don't let your babies grow up to be Cubs Fans, and always remember to spay or neuter your White Sox Fans," Russ Stevens

12/25/2008 The Last Gas Station Christmas EVER

Perhaps it is my discontent towards the job. The extra long holiday shift and the double to follow it in 18 hours. The anxiety of wondering how much more abuse they'll lay on me before I devote the majority of my time to drinking and studying.

Whatever element or elements mentioned above, throw in the decadent customers, and for the first time, I feel the emotion of jealousy towards those who have Christmas off.

Out of principle, I would not mind working the holiday or any religious holiday for that matter. No, I did not sell God out for time and a half, but religious events should not justify a commercial shut down.

With that being said, I assume you understand my feeling towards Hobby Lobby, so I will not go into my rant that they close on Sundays because right wing Christians feel that they have to limit the days that we can truly be creative thus lessening independent thought and our Jewish friends from converting us.

All I have to say about Hobby Lobby is that Sunday was always my day off (work five days, wrestle Saturday), why must I be left feeling like the speaker of an Anne Plath poem because of it.

To protest the Hobby Lobbyists, I stood behind the fuel desk pleasantly on December 25, 2008, and treated the customers to the most courteous service I could offer. Sadly, this day was also the first day the shopping baskets at Super Pantry ever saw any use.

And I decided that if I was to run out of ink writing this blog, I will drag the next customer over the counter, slice off the top of their index finger, and deliver this Pulitzer hopeful in blood.

Gas stations need to be open on Christmas for four reasons: Gas, Smokes, Newspapers, and Batteries.

Read the rest of these stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.