Jesus Built My Wrestling Ring

Jesus was the first pro wrestler.

Jesus did not die for our sins because he knew he was coming back. He put up with a lot of pain to make everyone get emotional about what he represented. To compare him to anyone today, the most likely options would be Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, or the hardcore stars like Sabu, Mick Foley, or Terry Funk. If you book any of them against a promoter, the story they tell in their program would be no different that the Gospels. The Jews were the heels and Christ was the babyface.

Read the rest of this blog at MainEventOfTheDead.com and be the judge if my satire and criticism can be translated into a B-Movie comedy about Pro-Wrestling Zombies.

Zombie Colonel Sanders versus PETA

Current mood: creative

Sitting at the Long John Silver's/A&W drive thru, waiting for our chicken combos, my best friend pondered, "What's taking them so long?" To this I replied, "Maybe they forgot to kill the chicken before frying it."

What if you fried a live chicken? For whatever reason, the question sparked my curiosity.

With my distaste for lobster, it feels hypocritical to dive into this topic. Honestly, I don't like lobster (and red meat. Screw the surf, and fuck the turf), but I despise how it is prepared. While the lobster is alive, it is put in the boiling pot of water to be cooked. That's how you get a red lobster.

No matter what the Muppets or cartoons want you to believe, lobster are brown. Perhaps burgundy.
What's crueler than being boiled alive? Come on. Those so called crazies in the heart of civilization stopped the boiling in oil practice to their prisoners. Maybe it's the inability to learn from the experience. Now cutting off a hand, then they have something to think about and lots a time to think about it.

Couldn't we develop mini-shotguns to blow these arthropods' brains out? Is it possible to inject enough dope in them to prevent them from feeling the burn?

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

My Chris Benoit Blogs: Respect Eternal...An action is all he was?

Watching the tribute to Chris Benoit on Raw, I immediately felt the impact of Benoit's passing.
Jerry Lawler mentioned about the WWE and perhaps the wrestling community may be overlooking the loss of Nancy and Daniel. That this occurence shows how fleeting life is, and that we have to always remember our loved ones. After this said, thoughts of my late best friend floated into my head.

Stacia Hardin was a woman who was important as my family is. With the loss of Benoit's family, it only makes me realize how important our loved ones truly are.

Stacia was a heroine to me, and today I have lost another hero. A man who earned everything he got from the business through his heart and effort. Chris Benoit represented all the princibles that I idealisticly stay true to in my own wrestling career.

Chris Benoit, like it or not in terms of my own pedigree, is not a family member, but he was a hero, so I am feeling a lot like how I did when my greatest hero past.
...

My little sister loved to take the chance to tell me about WWE's oops in paying tribute to a murderer. With all the circumstances around Chris Benoit's death, Vince McMahon said there would be no mention of his name on TV. The dedication to those affected by this tragedy is proper, but to be told to forget about Benoit is wrong.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Capitalistic Pissings or Who’s Your Toilet?

A popular re-post bulletin (MySpace) seems to be the, "Why must we piss and moan while Shaniqua/Bubba does not."

Well, I think that is a little more clever than THIS IS SO TRUE AND IS BULLSHIT or Fucking Sick. Sorry to pick on any posters out there, but most of these posters expect attempts for me to come up with some creative genius. As I said, this was an attempt.

Was my long-winded nature worth the attempt. Damn, I never thought my literate nature could be so punishing.

So, what I want to discuss is why the MySpace community seems to have taken a right wing approach to welfare abuse.

Hate to be the one to break this to Tom and his millions upon millions of friends, the people who are being discussed in these bulletins probably do not have the means to find out what we are saying. If they do, then they must be going to the public library.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Honkee Hatin Haiku

Current mood: morose

I apologize if the word choice offends you. I was trying to show that obscenity towards others reflects poorly on my race. That we really are all the same, so why curse others. I am sorry that I got to use the words that fit the poem structure.

A moment of genius or I am the insensitive bastard that my Creative Writing instructor thinks I am?

Check out the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and let me know if my humor and movie knowledge can translate into a Pro-Wrestling Zombie comedy.

Bradgelina, Britney, and Your Kids: They need to earn their keep.

Current mood: productive

For all you parents who wake your kids up before they can have the American Dream:

Why don't you move to New York and rent out your infants to needy celebs. Just for premiers and stuff, so it would only be a one night a week gig.

Help some entertainers in custody battles. If they can take care of the "niece," why not Sean Preston?

Check out the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and let me know if my humor and movie knowledge can translate into a Pro-Wrestling Zombie comedy.

Gay Mariage or An example of my long winded nature

Just because I typed it up once for a friends assignment, and because I love to read my own work, here is a rant about gay marriage.

Same sex marriages should be legalized.

If a society is suppose to be tolerant of a subculture, then said society should allow them every way that is possible to express the love of two individuals of said culture. As long as no one is going to face physical or financial harm, what argument does anyone have against it.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Boots are for snow. Not dumb bitches.

Current mood: tired (The Lost Details of Myspace)

"Don't sit there because there because of the vent, the air it blows makes it too cold."

No, this is not a commentary about the lack of adequate heating in state-funded college establishments. This is a commentary about snow boots as fashion.

Yes, I know when you think young coeds, you think fluffy. Maybe not, but fluffy is associated with cute, and college chicks are cute.

Perhaps cute isn't the right word. The barely legal damsels are usually hot. No, I think cute is the right word. With the knowledge most teenagers gain from high school, and the social discouragement of the female quest to become wise, the air-headed comments released from the second hole can either be pitiful, or responded with, "Oh..cute."

Out of curiosity girls, what is the orifice order?

So fluffy equals cute.

Now that that is established, it seems that more than just for these young women wear fluffy winter boots. Except that they wear them when it's forty degrees out.

Check out the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and let me know if my humor and movie knowledge can translate into a Pro-Wrestling Zombie comedy.

Smoke on this Illinois

To call me a cynic would be redundant. With that being my nature, I'm indeed skeptical about the health risk of second hand smoke.

The smog clouds in LA and Mexico City are not caused by people lighting up tobacco products. It is from industrial pollution, motor vehicles, and quite possibly the Mexican community lighting their farts.

Hey, if I was part of the Hispanic race which is associated with excessive flatulence, I know that's what I'd be doing. That's what I'd think about so called patriots and their illegal border patrol.

Of course, the Lady Liberty only wants the hungry, weak, and huddled masses. She says nothing about the gassy.

Discussing farts brings me to the main point of my argument. I have yet to see a cigarette set off a Carbon Monoxide monitor.

On two separate occasions, after eating two pounds of Gardner's mild wings, my brother's unconscious farting set off our house's CO detector. He may have been twelve years-old at the time.

Until I heard the beeps, I was in a deep sleep of rare occurrence. Perhaps the fumes were consuming me. My brother did not wake to the noise, so he may have been near death. If it was not for me rushing to our bedroom door to release the gas, it may have resulted in his demise. I cannot help but wonder what kind of danger we would have faced if he had a tongue for spicier foods.

Now that we established that cigarettes are truly only dangerous to the user, why must we have a smoke-free Illinois?

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Gambling, Vegen, spokes persons. One weird Super Bowl (42)

You hear the weirdest stuff when you work at a truck stop.

"Hope the Pats win. Not because I got a team in the game, my father-in-law has a bet. If the Pats win, he gets a hundred bucks. Lose, and he has to go into the super market dressed as a woman."

The guy walks away from the desk, and I turn and ask my coworker what kind of idiot takes that bet.
"If it's a small town, being dressed as a woman would probably be embarrassing." Pause for a second, a gentleman (I say that because my coworker claimed he was trying to solicit the help) walked to up to the desk with an Arby's sack. I'm sure you've all seen it, unless you are one of those spineless vegans.

Look, it ain't livin' unless something has suffered for your nourishment. I say nourishment, not decadence. No breathing entity should die in the name of gluttony. Pride is mine to claim because nothing suffered for my Caramel Apple Empinadas.

Be sympathetic to the cows? Come on. All female mammals who have given birth inevitably get sore nipples.

Great. Now I can't help myself. I must get on the equality soap box.

Dare I claim (dare, dare), to understand women because I have my nipples pierced? It's the closest any guy can get to the pain of lactating (next to doing a lot of steroids and having testicular cancer, see "Fight Club"). Embrace the nipple and tame the vegan. Now with that said, let us return to the idiocy of the person who took that bet.

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Monday, 10/27/2008 ---- What’s with white pride?

Current mood:  restless

"Whose bright idea was it to change the logo of Peoria? It's fitting right now."

Fitting right now? What is it suppose to represent? The cultural genocide many paranoid Americans want to see repeated on the Islamic world?

Is it not enough that White Americans took away their land and kept their names? They must have their image too?

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.

Just give me the law degree.

Hopefully, my anger at these ridiculous ads by the State of IL will lead me to rant on about more thinks that piss me off. It's kind of my thing.

If you live Illinois (or for those depending on Moline for your local television...one of the mockings of Iowa I'd been holding back on), you have probably seen or heard the "Loser DUI" ads. I'm not overly pissed at the TV ads because, I cannot piss on the art of implication, but this sound bite from the radio ad makes me want to scream for the ACLU to do something about it..

"If you get a DUI, you might as well have a big tattoo of the word loser on your forehead...We can't hire that loser.".

Read the rest of this blog at Main Event of the Dead dot Com and determine if my experiences, satires and movie knowledge makes a great base to produce a Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy B-Movie.